The Setting: A Backyard Patio on a sun-drenched afternoon…
… The aspiration of every Beer Commercial.
“Taylor, could you grab me beer?”
“Forget it!”
“Why not?”
“Ernie, I’ve been getting beer for you all night. Get your own beer, goddamit, your ass could use the fresh air.”
“But you’re already up.”
“Don’t ask me again, in fact don’t ever ask me to get you anything ever. I wouldn’t get you a life jacket right now.”
“Aw, come on…”
“I guarantee you I’m coming back with one beer only.”
“Oh, I got a good one. When Tara comes back to the patio door, let’s all be completely naked. She’ll freak out and go grab Jeanne, by the time they get back we’ll be dressed again.”
“Committee?”
"Yeah, I'm with Martin."
“Personally, I’m just drunk enough.”
“Okay, here she comes.”
“Geden, you look way too comfortable.”
“Remember that time he tackled me after stripping naked?”
“Don’t blame me, you shouldn’t have grabbed my clothes.”
“I still blame you. I still have nightmares.”
“Hi Tara, could you grab me a beer while you’re up?”
“Oh my god, you’re all…”
“…And there she goes.”
“Yes, you have to put your clothes back on now.”
“Jeanne, I’m telling you, they’re all na…”
“Tara, where’s my beer?”
“Wait…wait, weren’t you guys just… Wait a second…”
“Were you guys really just naked?”
“Jeanne, do you really think we’d do something like that?”
“I’m personally a little bit insulted.”
“You guys are… you’re so… jerks.”
“Do you think we should have gone with the girls to the bar?”
“Ah, screw it.”
“Yeah, it’s Monday, a bad night for good monkey.”
“We’re not going to just sit around here all night are we?”
“Well, I need some cigarettes. Who’s coming?”
“I bet you won’t go get them naked.”
“I will if someone comes with me.”
“I’d be in for a little mischief.”
“Hughes can drive.”
“Unless this medication that prevents drinking inhibits his balls.”
“I’ll drive, but considering that I’ll be the one talking to the cops, I’ll keep my clothes on.”
“Does it still count as streaking if we’re all sitting in a car?”
“If it’s not streaking then it’s way too gay for me.”
“Let’s make sure the window’s are open.”
“Shotgun!”
“Hey man, do you have a light?”
“Geden, I’m naked, I don’t have ANYTHING.”
“Oh, right. Shut up.”
“I wish this was a bigger car.”
“So, where to?”
“After we pick up some smokes, let’s head to that apartment building downtown with the pool and the short fence.”
“Why couldn’t one of you be a girl?”
“You’re not far off.”
“You’re so gay.”
“Chinese stoplight!”
“Marty, no, we’re on the highway!”
“Taylor, grab him!”
“There’s nothing to grab! What do I grab!”
“There he goes.”
“I wish I was as drunk as him.”
“That drunk doesn’t look that good from here.”
“This is the strangest Chinese stoplight…”
“What’s he doing?”
“He’s dry-humping the car.”
“Chinese people everywhere would be so proud.”
“Okay, I’ll make this part easy. I’m going in, who wants what?”
“Lots of cigarettes>”
“…And a light!”
“We’ll try to look casual.”
“Hey girls, we’re naked!”
“I wish I was as drunk as him.”
“I wish those girls were as drunk as him.”
“We’re naked!”
“I can see that.”
“Where the hell is Hughes? Is he making the cigarettes?”
“Do you think there’s a pool in jail?”
“No, but I don’t think we’ll be bored. We’ll make plenty of friends.”
“Is this pool heated?”
“Shrinkage is something you should be used to by now.”
“I am used to bad jokes…”
“Oh, oh man… a little help… guys?”
“Is Marty coming, or does he like it on top of that fence?”
“I think… I’m stuck.”
“Ooooooh, that’s making me sober just looking at it.”
“I guess we’ve found the big guy’s kryptonite.”
“’Get him drunk and straddled him naked on a spiky fence’, I think that’s everyone’s kryptonite.”
“Ernie, why are you smiling? If you’re taking a leak this close to me I’ll…”
“I’m not taking a leak, Taylor.”
“But you did just fart, I know that smile, I saw the bubbles.”
“That wasn’t me, it was the bubble jet.”
“There’s no jets in a pool, bozo, this is not a hot tub.”
“It will be for you in about three seconds.”
“You bastard!”
“Does it still count as streaking if we’re sitting in a pool?”
“Call it what you want, man, this would make a great story.”
“Hughes, sober or not, streaking or not, I want you in this pool in five seconds, or it be a stiff cuffin’ for ye.”
“Actually, I think it’s time to get out of here.”
“Don’t be a puss.”
“Yeah, why? I just got in.”
“Well, reason one; we’re out of beer. Reason two; there are about fifteen apartment lights looking down on us. We must have offended one of them by now enough to have called the cops.”
“Reason three: Taylor is giving me the lovin’ eyes.”
“Would it have been cheating for us to have brought towels?”
“I brought one.”
“Let me use it.”
“That will cost you a thousand dollars.”
“I hate you a little bit more every minute.”
“All right, let’s go, let’s go. Where’s Marty?”
“…Guys, a little help...”
“Why are we on the highway? There’s no one to offend here.”
“It’s the quickest way to the beer, Taylor.”
“At this red light I’m getting out and going for a run. This intersection is big enough to freak at least a person or two out. I know Marty’s with me.”
“I’m in… what are we doing?”
“I definitely wish I was as drunk as him.”
“You’re going with Taylor. I’ll pick you guys up at the other side of the intersection. Get running, make us proud.”
“Oh yeah, they’re going to get busted.”
“Taylor is a surprisingly graceful runner.”
“Marty’s not following him.”
“No… why run when there’s perfectly good car here just waiting to be dry-humped.”
(From outside the car) “Oh yeah, we’re naked!”
“Look at the guy crossing the street just realized the guy running at him is naked.”
“I think I’d be a little more concerned.”
“Yeah, what’s weird about a guy running naked down the highway? At least you know he’s got no weapons.”
“I’ll let that joke go…”
“Son, you’re naked.”
“Why, yes I am.”
“You can get back in now, car-lover. The light’s been green for five thrusts.”
“How long before we pick Taylor up?”
“He looks pretty tired.”
“It’s not like he has much to carry.”
“I don’t think I want to leave him hanging.”
“Besides, the next time you’re stuck naked on the highway you’ll have a favor to call in.”
“Let’s pick his silly ass up. I’m getting sober enough to remember that I’m far away from my clothes.”
“I don’t know what I miss more, my clothes or my beer.”
“I miss food.”
“Oh yeah!”
“Marty, we know you’re excited, stop punching me. I’m still not comfortable being touched by a naked man.”
“I wish I was as drunk as you are, man, how do you get so drunk?”
“The girls at the drive-thru are going to love us.”
“This’ll make a great story.”
“Stories like these always end with police sirens.”
“You guys are so gay.”
“Shut up.”
FIN
The way I figure it, if your ‘Why did I do that?’ File outweighs your ‘I wish I had done that’ File, then you’re doing okay in the big scheme.
