AcroNumb

Of all the things in the world that annoy me, there is an underlying uselessness that threads them all together. I don’t tend to concern myself with politics, or controversy, or isms for that matter. I really just tend to get irked by the things that I feel are using up brain cells that would be better served committing pornography to long-term memory. Among those things that needn’t be proudly stands the Acronym.

“Excuse me, sir. Seeing as how the V.P. is such a V.I.P., shouldn't we keep the P.C. on the Q.T.? 'Cause of the leaks to the V.C. he could end up M.I.A., and then we'd all be put out in K.P.” Robin Williams – Good Morning Vietnam; 1987

Have you ever been left in the dark because you couldn’t crack the code of a phrase squashed into letters and dots? Were you ever left out of a certain reindeer game because you were unaware of the latest abbreviated adolescent euphemism? Have you ever found yourself square in the middle of a social faux pas because you mixed I.O.U and I.U.D.?

Acronyms are about brevity and some say brevity is the soul of wit. Needless to say, this essay will be witty, but due to the subject matter, and for you guys with diminutive attention spans, it will also be brief.

I consider it a reasonable possibility that I may one day have the devotion of a staunch group of followers, that praise my rantings with unconditional reverence. Should that time come and my disciples feel inclined to devise a list of the Gospels of Our Hughes, one of the ones right near the top will read: “I have a problem with people who have a problem with words.” Acronyms fall right on the altar of that gospel. People will always have problems and many words will be rented by fools, but what I can’t figure is why we feel compelled to waste time using shortcuts?

Some will now propose the defense of efficiency. Why would I want to spend my time talking when I can get my point across in letters crossed with points? Why would I describe the contents of my sandwich when I can get away with B,L, and T? Am I the only one who sees that the fine line between genius and insanity as The Great Wall of China compared to the fine little line that separates efficiency and laziness? In our age of unqualified quantity we’ve immatured in our worship of the shortest distance between two points... or several points. ‘The fast way’ has universally become the best way, but what flavors and details have we then left along the way? It’s lazy to always fall back on the quicker or faster option as a default. The drive-thru window at your local fast food joint is an efficient source of nourishment, but is far bested by the steak dinner that awaits us at home on the other side of a little elbow grease and motivation. There’s no denying that faster isn’t always better. Could we then also agree that being efficient for the sake of efficiency is like having a hamburger when steak waits at home?

This is how I feel about acronyms over taking our succulent one-inch-cut grade ‘A’ discourse. I always feel a little bit confused when people deliberately under use when they have the chance to over take and gorge on the vastness of smooth unpointed words worth taking. When did talking, conversing, convulsing, exaggerating, expounding, and blathering become too expensive a commodity to for our valuable time?

Like everything else worth complaining about, Acronyms do have their place. Imagine how quickly the roots of democracy would have crumbled if we always had to say ‘The United States of America’ in full every time. I believe a very likely contributor to the fall of communism, despite unsound Marxist Theories, was that people got sick of that brutally long U.S.S.R. acronym. Some phrases and titles aren’t worth saying in full at all times, some simply sound better as their abbreviated alter egos, like UFO and SCUBA. Most however, simply are not simple at all and ruin what they were designed to represent.

As a companion, Acronyms have Abbreviation, which also can be a needed, but tend to be the lethargic way to get out a thought probably better left unthought. An example of the exception that proves me unruly is the very medium on which I share my itches. Web Log becomes ‘Blog’ and suddenly we have a means of being mean that comprises still more thoughts that probably shouldn't… I think you know where I’m going with this. Proposed system of measurement: if the thought isn’t valuable enough to qualify even the words used to express it, it is probably better suited for the W.P.B. (waste paper basket)

Like everything else that has its good side, we have exploited it until that side is rubbed and diluted to ineffectuality, or spoiled and seduced by the dark side. I’m happy that we can yell ‘SOS!’ in an emergency, but I find it unfortunate that many people have no clue what it is they’re yelling. (Si Opus Sit, for those out there keeping track… in Latin)

A problem almost as severe as the watering down and repackaging of our language is an Acronym’s removal of communication, replacing it with a secret code. Not everyone is necessarily privy to a phrase or a title that has been masked as initials and alternating periods. We’ve all been part of a dinner conversation that ejected us unexpectedly when our companions switch from English to E.N.G.L.I.S.H. Don’t you tend to feel there’s something hidden behind these little word cliques? Even if you know the definition those points are hiding, isn’t there something deceptive and duplicitous about a word or phrase unwilling to show its face?

From getting around something that was taking too long or occupying too much time or tongue muscle energy, we have evolved to vacuum sealing and dehydrating everything with the space to shrink. In our tireless quest to eradicate adventure, question, and color from our daily lives, our language is becoming a victim to an age that puts the ‘www’ ahead of the world itself.

As always I propose the solution. Every word in our language deserves the respect of a proper address. In formal correspondence and notation proper names are said in full and then referred to in shorter form. As long as you say Mr. Patrick Hughes once in the address, you are then free to roll it back to Patrick, Hughes, Pat… insert your favorite nickname here. Address the word or phrase once in full and then feel free to walk all over it following that courtesy. “The Central Intelligence Agency is the keystone of Intelligence for the American Government. Where would the Government be without the Intelligence of the C.I.A.?” Let the sun shine into the spaces between words and punctuation, don’t plug them with points. I think our language, our verbal discourse, and the ears being let in on the thought deserve that much, don’t you?

UFO and SCUBA are of course exempt from this rule.

I assume that most of my readers, critics and passersby are of the learned, or at least clever sort. To you I ask this question: How much does it bug you when someone in your presence uses a word, like innocuous or serendipitous, to which they clearly don’t know the meaning? Do you think they should be allowed to use that word?

P.S. How many of you out there know what P.S. stands for?

P.P.S. Sorry, I guess that wasn’t very short.

XOXO, P.H.